


Appreciate Your Life

by generalsleepy



Category: Saw (Movies)
Genre: Bottom Surgery, Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Surgery, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 01:18:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16776739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generalsleepy/pseuds/generalsleepy
Summary: Adam returns home from the hospital after bottom surgery. Lawrence is there to take care of him.





	Appreciate Your Life

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the awesome people on Tumblr who beta read this for me.

Adam mumbled seemingly every curse word in existence as Lawrence helped him up the stairs and then into their bedroom. He collapsed on the bed, groaning again at the sudden movement.

Lawrence pulled the covers up around him. “How are you doing?”

He pressed his face into the pillow “Everything hurts, and I’m dying. Pills?”

“Two more hours until you can have your next one.”

“Ugh. You hate me.”

“I love you.” Lawrence kissed his cheek, then pushed a hank of tangled hair off the exposed half of his forehead. “Is there anything I can get you?”

Adam kept his eyes shut. “Did you order pizza?”

“Mhm. Before we left the hospital, so it should be here any minute.” Adam had been there when he made the call, but Lawrence didn’t blame him for not remembering every detail. It was a major surgery he was recovering from. The chronic pain in his shoulder was also apparently acting up, probably from the combination of physical and mental stress. “You’ll need to have plenty of fluids.”

“Don’t leave,” he mumbled, and the almost childish desperation in his voice tugged at Lawrence’s heart.

“I have a bottle here for you.”

He didn’t hear exactly what Adam said, but he made out “you” and “‘course.” 

“Can you sit up a bit for me, honey?” He reached for one of the two water bottles he’d set out on the bedside table that morning. Adam could make fun of his over-preparedness, but it paid off sometimes.

“Goddammit,” Adam grunted as he tugged himself up a few inches and rolled onto his back. “Shit.”

“There you go.” He opened the bottle, then held it to his lips. Adam reached up for it and immediately started gulping. Lawrence stroked his forehead. “We’re stocked up on coffee and soda, too. Oreos.”

“God, I feel like I’m a little kid you’re looking after.”

“Well, Diana’s always been healthy as a horse, so I never had to do that with her.” He took the nearly empty bottle of water Adam handed him. “Consider this payback for all the time you spent looking after me when I was learning to walk on my prosthetic.” 

“Yeah, and I was still whining about my shoulder the whole time.”

“Trust me, you weren’t. You only whine about it when you want something from me.” He watched as Adam took a deep breath, then relaxed back into the pillows. “How are you feeling? I mean, not just physically…”

“Yeah, I’m…” He gave a tired, but still sunny smile. “I’m good. Really, really good. Like, I worried that afterwards it wouldn’t be enough, and that would… really fucking suck.”

“But, you like how it’s worked out so far?”

“It’s awesome. I mean, I wish I didn’t hurt like fuck, and I didn’t have to deal with catheters and shit, but I feel really, really good. This is what I’ve wanted since I was a kid. I’ve got you, and I’ve got this, and…” He paused, swallowed hard, and swiped at his eyes. “I don’t know.”

Lawrence kissed his forehead. “I know. Well, I can’t know exactly, but I know that it’s a lot, and I know that I’m happy I could be there with you.”

“Love you, Lawrence.”

“I love you, too.”

“Can you kiss me again?”

Lawrence quickly obeyed. Adam lifted his head slightly and slipped his tongue into Lawrence’s mouth to deepen the kiss. Lawrence made it easier for him by putting a hand under his head. He didn’t know the last time that they had kissed like this. Definitely not since before the surgery, considering making out wasn’t the easiest thing to do in a hospital.

When the doorbell rang, Lawrence didn’t want to break the kiss. It was Adam who eventually did. “Please god, let that be the pizza.”

“I don’t know who else it would be.” He kissed Adam’s cheek before standing up. “I’ll be right back.”

“Uh-huh.” Adam shut his eyes and slowly turned back onto his side. Lawrence instinctively hated to leave him, even though he knew both of them were perfectly safe. Under the best circumstances, being separated for too long could put them both on edge. In particular, closed doors triggered Adam’s anxiety, so Lawrence left the bedroom door open. 

It was ridiculous that he would be bothered to be away from Adam for long enough to pay the pizza guy, with everything that had happened in the past nearly two years. After what they’d gone through together, though, it wasn’t as if their relationship would ever be close to normal. So, he didn’t particularly blame himself for walking as fast as he could with his limp that lingered after all those months of physical therapy. 

They’d both known long before Adam checked into the hospital that it would be a long recovery. Lawrence was pretty sure that he had been more worried about the actual risks of surgery. Adam had been nervous as well, but it was countered by excitement. Knowing that Adam was more than happy with the results made everything—the research, the waiting, the cost, the risks, and all the long nights already and to come—more than worth it. 

* * *

It had been about a week since they moved in together—four months after the bathroom—when Lawrence had found out Adam was trans. He was stepping out of the shower, wearing just his boxers, when Lawrence walked into the master bedroom looking for a phone charger.

His eyes were immediately drawn to the two pinkish scars under his pecs, maybe two or three years old. He’d easily identified them as mastectomy scars. The size of the scars made him fairly confident that it hadn’t been to correct gynecomastia. He’d remembered in that moment thinking that he’d seen a scar there when Adam had frantically asked him to look after he’d woken up in the bathroom. At the time he’d disregarded the information as not being immediately relevant to their survival. 

He’d realized with a jolt of embarrassment that he had been staring, and Adam had definitely noticed.

Adam’s expression had been difficult to read. “You’re a cancer doctor, so you probably know what these are.” 

Lawrence had nodded. “I think so.”

Adam had sighed as he tugged on an over-large T-shirt. “I lived alone for forever, so I guess I forgot about hiding them.” He’d been looking at the floor, but then he’d made eye contact. “Do you… Is this gonna be an issue?”

Lawrence had shaken his head frantically. “No. Absolutely not.” He’d hated to think that Adam would be worried even for a moment that Lawrence would think any less of him for being trans.

Adam’s shoulders had slumped in relief. “Fuck, that’s… Yeah, that’s really good to hear, because I really hadn’t been looking forward to doing this and just seeing how it’d go. I didn’t think you’d be a dick about it, but, you never know.”

“I performed a hysterectomy and oophorectomy on a trans patient who’d developed ovarian cancer.” He nearly winced as he realized what he said had essentially been a ‘some of my best friends.’ “ I’m sorry you didn’t get to tell me in your own time.”

He’d shrugged. “It had to happen sometime.” He’d paused, fidgeting. “Thanks, Lawrence.”

“It's literally nothing.”

“Yeah, well,” he looked away, “it's more than a lot of people've done.”

He remembered Adam's vague, but blunt statements about being estranged from most of his family. He supposed this was a part, maybe a large one, of the reason for it. 

Their relationship had developed in a gradual way. They'd been physically close from the beginning. Then it was outright cuddling, then that first kiss as they were tangled up on the couch.

“Do you…” Adam had murmured, close enough that Lawrence could feel his breath on his lips. “What is this? Us?”

“I love you, Adam,” he'd said before he could overthink. “I love you, so much. More than I've ever loved anyone before. I want to stay with you as long as you'll have me, however you'll have me.”

He'd given one of those wonderful crooked smiles. “You coulda just said you wanted me to be your boyfriend.”

Lawrence had grinned. “I want you to be my boyfriend.”

Adam had flung his arms around Lawrence's shoulders. “I love you, Lawrence.”

Sex had also been slow steps, figuring out what worked for both of them. Lawrence had never been with a man before, and Adam had specific boundaries of what didn’t cause him dysphoria. (Lawrence had rapidly learned a variety of terms and ideas he’d had no exposure to before).

Eventually, though, they did find something that  _ more than _ worked. Lawrence loved Adam with all his heart, he was having sex for the first time in decades with a person he was genuinely attracted to, and Lawrence didn’t think he’d ever been with someone as talented as Adam. Judging by Adam’s reactions, Lawrence had some idea what he was doing as well.

Adam made clear that things wouldn’t be ideal until he got 'rid of this son of a bitch’ he’d said more than a few times, glaring at his crotch.

“Is there a reason you haven’t had that surgery yet?” Lawrence had asked the first time Adam brought it up, as they were lying in bed together.

Adam had looked at him like he was an idiot. “Because it costs a shitton of money.”

“How much is a shitton?” 

He’d opened his mouth to answer, then abruptly stopped. “You’ve got that look.”

“What look?”

“That look whenever I say I want something expensive, and you say that it’s no big…” He’d stopped again. He’d swallowed hard, having trouble getting the words out.

Lawrence had stroked his cheek. “How much is it?”

He’d taken a deep breath. “I mean it depends on what exactly you do and the surgeon and stuff.”

“What  _ you _ want. Tell me.”

“Maybe, like, thirteen to fifteen thousand. Maybe more.” He’d shaken his head. “C’mon, Lawrence, that’s a shitton of money even for you.”

“We can afford it.” He’d taken Adam’s face in his hands. “If you want this, we can do it for you.”

“Fuck. You can’t… you can’t just say stuff like that.” He’d looked away and kept shaking his head. 

“Adam, are you okay?”

“Holy fuck. Lawrence, are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

Adam had flung his arms around Lawrence and squeezed him tight. “Oh, my god. Holy shit, this is really going to happen.” He’d sounded like he didn’t fully believe it.

Lawrence had hugged Adam back and met him in a kiss. He would do anything to make Adam happy, to take away all the stress and pain that was forced on him. That he could do this one thing for the man he loved and improve his life was the most wonderful thing he could imagine.

An acquaintance of his at the hospital was the only specialist in sex reassignment surgery in the city. Lawrence could assure Adam that she was incredibly qualified, and Adam liked her. They decided to have every procedure he wanted in one go: full metoidioplasty, hysterectomy, oophorectomy (Adam snorted at the word, which Lawrence admitted wasn't unreasonable), and others.

“Don't even tell him the numbers,” Lawrence had cut in during one of the consultations, before she could start talking about cost.

Adam had rolled his eyes, but hadn’t argued.

“I’ll give you a printout,” she’d said with a smile.

The final number turned out be quite substantial. It would require some budgeting, but it was still definitely doable. He’d realized that there was probably no way Adam would ever have been able afford what he needed on his own. He understood why Adam had all but accepted it. 

He wasn’t sure whether he was more heartbroken to think of the man he loved having to suffer through that alone, or overjoyed that he had the opportunity to be there when his life changed. And, Adam sure as hell deserved it.

* * *

Adam’s head popped out of the tangle of blankets as soon as Lawrence walked in with the pizza box and plates. He grinned, then winced. “I was gonna say that looked even better than drugs, but, yeah, no. Still going for drugs.”

“Just two hours. Having a full stomach should help,” Lawrence said as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Adam shuffled up the bed, so he was mostly sitting. “Yeah, you could say that it was going to hurt like fuck, and I’d probably still eat half that pizza.”

He rolled his eyes sarcastically. “What am I going to do with you?”

As soon as the box was open, Adam loaded his plate with slices of pepperoni, then covered them in parmesan cheese. The food at Angel of Mercy Hospital wasn’t stereotypically awful, but Lawrence still didn’t blame him for hoovering down outside food. Adam did most of the cooking in the house, so they’d be leaning on takeout and the few simple recipes Lawrence was competent with. 

He had genuinely been on the verge of tears when Alison gave him a few premade meals one Friday when they switched off Diana. She had taken a long time to warm up to Adam, somewhat understandably. It had helped that Diana quickly fell in love with him, even calling him her stepdad, as well as how stable his and Lawrence’s relationship had been in general. Perhaps the ultimate sign of that was that even though he’d said he could tell her exactly what surgery Adam was having, she’d offered to help them out however she could.

“It’s not hurting your cheek?” Lawrence asked, realizing he should have already considered that the food might aggravate the graft site.

He shrugged. “Kinda. Worth it, though.”

They chatted about what Diana had been doing, office politics, some details of the recovery ahead. 

About three slices in, Adam grew quiet, to the point Lawrence started becoming worried. Finally, he said in a quiet voice. “I’ve been thinking about him.”

“Hm.” They hardly ever mentioned his name. It felt like dignifying the son of a bitch far too much, for Adam especially.

“He did all that shit to me because I didn’t ‘appreciate my life’ or whatever. And, yeah, my life was kind of a mess, but did he really think that any of  _ that _ was gonna help? I got punched in the teeth by genetics every day since I was born, and I’m supposed to be fucking happy about it? You know, if he wanted me to appreciate my life, he coulda just transferred eighteen K to my bank account so I could get rid of the part of my body that was ruining my life. No, instead he chained me up in Satan’s bathroom so I could get shot.” 

Adam crammed the rest of the slice into his mouth, then dropped the crust. “Oh, yeah, and you can cut off another part of your body that you don’t have any problem with. You’re fucking welcome.”

Lawrence stroked Adam’s cheek. “He wanted us to suffer. There was nothing deeper to it than that. He was a sadist.”

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “He wanted me to die. He wanted you to shoot me and learn some kind of lesson from that. Now, we’re dating. I make your daughter lunch. You just helped me do what he'd probably think was the opposite of appreciate my life.”

Lawrence smiled. “I guess we really beat him.”

“I guess we did.” He smirked. “Fuck that guy.”

“Fuck him.” Lawrence gently pulled the hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. “You deserve this. You deserve to have the life you want, and to be happy.”

He thought that Adam was about to chide him for being schmaltzy. Instead, he smiled. “Thanks, Lawrence.”

“I love you.”

Adam pushed the pizza box aside and pulled down the covers. Lawrence took the hint to lay down beside him. Adam immediately buried his fingers in Lawrence’s hair and kissed him. “Stay with me, okay?”

“Always.”


End file.
